I usually keep my Facebook posts as positive and joyful and inspirational as possible. But I don’t do this to inspire others. I do it to keep my own head rooted in positivity. I’ve spent way too much time wallowing in depression and sadness. I know that it can be very easy get to a place where the chemicals in the brain begin to respond to the world in such a way that I find myself mired in sadness, wallowing in my defects.
A couple of weeks ago I posted that I was feeling less than my usual cheerful self. I was blue. And then someone commented something along the lines of “O good! I wondered whether you ever had a negative emotion!” Well people, I not only have them, I have to war against allowing myself to live in them! In fact, for the last couple of days I found myself sinking into a mini-Mean Reds kind of mood. A whole basket full of realities came crashing around me at once. I felt every one of my imperfections being highlighted in big, bold orange. I was overwhelmed by my big ol’ mess of a house. I felt unappreciated by my children. I was feeling financial strain that I had deluded myself into thinking would go away after I married. I’m jealous as hell of all my friends who spent at least part of their Spring Break doing fun stuff, travelling, or indulging in their creative hearts. I want to indulge my creative heart! I want to do it while travelling!
Good people, here is my struggle. I’m not happy all the time. I have demons. Baby demons, but still demons that irritate the crap out of me. But I think one of my strengths is that I am very aware of most of my demons, (tho I’m certain that there are more lurking in the dark corners of my soul). Self awareness is my weapon. I am armed and dangerous and prepared to do battle with my little devils. I do so by ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE HAPPY WHEN I’M HAPPY! I say that in all-caps because I think that we live in a culture that seems to somehow value self-pity. I know I’m guilty of wallowing. Hard. We are continually sold the idea that we are not good enough unless we buy this widget, or that do-dad, or this kind of trendy food, or can our own heirloom tomatoes, or carry Designer Of The Moment’s way-too-expensive purse. And all of that bleeds into all other aspects of our lives. We aren’t young enough, we aren’t attractive enough, we aren’t good parents… WE AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH! But you know what? I call hogwash! Much ado about societal prattle! I want my life to be an expression of who I am, not a picture in a magazine, perfect, envy-worthy fulfillment of someone else’s expectation. So when I find that I am unhappy, I don’t run out and buy a Doonie and Burke, (well, maybe sometimes); I don’t eat my weight in brownies because I might as well enjoy something, (ok, maybe sometimes). I let myself feel what I’m feeling for a little while because I don’t want to deny that part of me. I spend some time just being quiet. I listen to those demons for a little while. I figure out what’s worth my attention, what can I change. And inevitably my own voice speaks up and says, Hey! You! Get up and have a little fun! Do something that is for YOU! Yesterday I planted some herbs and strawberries. But that’s because having an herb garden gives ME joy. I took photos of raindrops on honeysuckle vines… because it gave ME joy. And I might post about whatever it is I’m going through on Facebook. I’m not looking for sympathy or attention. I’m just wanting to be real! I don’t want to hide behind my highlight reel. We can’t expect to be really and truly and authentically loved if we aren’t real and honest and authentic. It took me about 48 years to figure that out. I can’t expect you to really love me if you don’t know me. And you can’t know me if I don’t put myself out there, flabby tummy, messy house, shabby boots, warts and all. I’m a pretty fab little lady. I do have a pretty incredible highlight reel. I’m a good mom, (and my girls are freaking AMAZING!!). I am creative, funny, loving, disorganized, chaotic, whimsical, serious, a drama queen, confused, quirky, smart, and about as human as it gets. Pray for me. Sing with me. Dance with me!
I know this was really rambling, almost stream-of-conscious… but hell! Who cares? My whole point is…we all just want to be seen and loved and accepted for who we are. But we hide. We gotta stop hiding.
To paraphrase Kid President: We are awake. We are unique! We are awesome!
And that is worth celebrating. Every single day.
Hello Butterfly! 