Pixie Will Rise!

HHmmnnn… It was such a shock to me. Here I was, going through life, thinking I was “doing it right”. After all, I could listen to my “Happy Songs” playlist and sing and dance in the kitchen. That was my personal litmus test. But when I saw the video of Dad’s memorial service I couldn’t believe what I saw. Who was that over-weight, mousy, closed-in, small-on-the-inside person standing next to my sister, reading the words I had written to honor my father? I didn’t recognize her. I didn’t see the ME I thought I was. My body language was so different than what I thought I was projecting. My head was down, my arms unexpressive, my voice quiet and rushed… It’s true that I was/am in mourning. And if I’m honest, I’ve been in mourning since Mom’s illness took her from us, (long before she died). And if I’m even more honest, I kind of force myself to sing and dance in the kitchen. It doesn’t come from a place of joy. I’m not saying that I have no joy; but it’s filmy, dusty, hazy joy. It’s not clean and pure and organic.

Ok, so here’s my deal; losing one’s mom and dad feels very lonely. I know Liz is going through it, too, so we do have that “together” but we also each had our unique relationships with our parents. I won’t get into how that looks, but EVERYONE has unique relationships. Nature of the beast. So it’s lonely to lose that. But that’s not what has thrown me into this moody haze.

My health has been such a burden for the last few years. I miss my healthy self. I miss  my stamina. I miss going onto the woods with James, walking for half the morning, taking in the wonders of nature. On good days I can do just about anything, but only for a little while, and I’m only good for that one day. The next day I’m no good for anything. I’m in pain, can’t move without pain, can’t just sit without pain. And I’m a burden to everyone around me, a kill-joy, a real bummer. But that’s not what has thrown me into this mental fog.

I’ve gained weight. Sure, it’s a by-product of thyroid cancer and all the peripheral goodies that come with it. And sure, I’m lucky I didn’t gain MORE weight, (some can gain 50-120 pounds). Of course, I’m now motivated to lose that weight, to stick to my “diet”, to move my body more. But once again my levels are “off” so the fear of having to deal with treatments again, to put my metabolism to sleep, (and possibly gain more weight) has me scared to death. I already feel like I’m unattractive, unworthy of my husband. But that’s not what has thrown me into this emotional heaviness.

But all of the above, (and a few more bullet points) pull together as my life. And all of THAT has thrown me off-course. I didn’t realize it until I saw that video. I was talking to Liz about it soon after, and I said, “I didn’t think i was depressed, but that woman on that stage looks depressed”. And she said, “YOU DON’T THINK YOU’RE DEPRESSED???” She went on to say that, with all that I’ve been through over the last few years it’s not surprising.

But I don’t feel like I have a right to BE depressed. I am blessed with so much goodness in my life! Here’s a list:

1. A husband who loves me without hesitation, takes on my burdens, sees me for who I am. And loves me anyway.
2. My girls are just about perfect. They are becoming exactly the young women I want them to be; smart, funny, strong, (so strong!) loving, empathetic,  spiritual, courageous… and they know that happiness is part of the journey. I have every faith that they will find moments of security, joy, fulfillment, happiness.
3. I have family and friends I can count on. They hold me up, keep me laughing, need me as much as I need them.
4. I have a home, clean water, comfy bed, clothes, a car…
5. Cameras, lights, paints, markers, papers, and all manner of materials I can use to create Create CREATE! And I HAVE created stuff I am proud of. I have that luxury.
6. So. Much. More.

Of course, it’s not about having a “right” to be depressed. That’s not how depression works. Depression is a physical illness that manifests it’s self through mental operations, for lack of a better description. I’ve been through this before,  and it was MUCH worse. I know that I will come out on the other side, and I’ll be all the better for it. It will take time, effort, and maybe meds, but I will get through it. LOVE is the answer!

I think I’ll go put on my Happy Songs and create something!