Ok, so here it is. The thyroid cancer was not more than what I call a “nuisance”. It made me tired, a little weak, and I had some weird symptoms, but it has never made me terribly sick. But I’m not myself, and I haven’t been in a long time. Most of the time I feel very much like I’m in a perpetual fog. And I’m fat! When I started this whole thing I weighed about 110 pounds. I now weigh in excess of 140. Ugh. You know, the last time I gained a bunch of weight my husband-at-the-time told me I was unattractive, and he strayed from our marriage. That has stuck with me. And now I have a fear, a deep seated fear that EVERYONE is going to leave me.
I know I am “bigger than my body gives me credit for”. I have talents, compassion, passions, intelligence, wisdom, even kindness… but I am scared to death that EVERYONE will leave me. Every time my wonderful, thoughtful, affectionate husband leaves the house or picks up the phone I’m afraid he is about to tell me that he’s not coming home, that he’s found someone more worthy of his patience, his energy, his smile, his time… In my heart I know that’s not going to happen. But in my head I’m still stuck in a time of pain. Those scars are deep and tender.
(Found this in my “drafts” file, unfinished, unpublished and longing to be heard. Written about a year ago or such like. So here…)
Hello Butterfly! 
I understand. Since being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I live in a constant state of anxiety, and I continue to fight off depression.
I can’t find “me” and don’t know where to look.
I’ve lost my smile.
I’ve lost my happiness.
I just want some of it back.
You, my sweet girl ARE worthy of all things good and you ARE enough! I crazy love you!