Sometimes

So here’s the deal: I hurt. Pretty much 24/7, on some level, I hurt. Sometimes it’s not much, and I can get the basics done. Sometimes I can’t even bend down to pull my socks on.

So just be active! Get some exercise!

Sure! I could do that. Only here’s the deal: the more active I am on one day, the more pain I experience as that day goes on, and the more pain I’m in the next day. I’m not talking about that wonderful “I worked my muscles and now my calves ache” kind of pain. I’m talking “I feel like I have a rash all over, I can’t walk upright, and let’s just not even talk about migraines and crushing fatigue” kind of pain.

But here’s the deal: This diagnosis hasn’t squashed my. dreams. This disease hasn’t dampened my inner Wendy-ness. You know what? If anything, it’s making me even more Wendy than I’ve ever been. The sun beckons me outside. I crave connection with my friends. I not only dream of doing a beautiful book about my wildflower photography, I AM going to do a beautiful book about my wildflower photography.

This “disease” makes me fully aware of my limitations. Sometimes I can’t do what I want to do.  I will never be able to hike up to the mountain top. Sometimes I can’t even go have a glass of wine with a friend. But sometimes I CAN go have a glass of wine with a friend. And sometimes I can take a leisurely stroll around the mountain, noticing the patterns in the rocks, watching as the bees pollinate the wildflowers, (and yes, photographing it). Looking for heart shapes in nature is one of my favorite little hobbies. I can do that! Sometimes.

Planning ahead has never been my strong suit. It makes me nervous. Anxious. But these days I have to plan ahead so I can save my energy for this event or that one. And I have to let go of guilt when I have to cancel. And that does happen more than I’d like to say, and it does make me sad. I hate the idea of life passing me by, and me not able to participate. But I AM participating as much as I can. Sometimes that’s just me lying on the sofa while the migraine passes. Sometimes it’s me strolling around the messy backyard and watching caterpillars, beetles, lizards, and butterflies do their thing on the roses and wildflowers. And sometimes it’s celebrating the life rites of those I love.