Bedeviled

I woke up this morning with big fat hairy voice inside my head saying “You’re not good enough. You’re irrelevant. You’re not interesting. You have nothing to contribute to this world. You don’t matter. Why would anyone want to spend time with a blah like you?” Those kinds of thoughts were racing through my head, beating me down. Why do we have to fight so hard for our self worth? What a waste of time! What a waste of spirit! I mean sure… I should ask myself, “Am I doing the best that I can? What can I do better? How can I grow and learn and whatnot?” But to constantly allow myself to be hammered over the head with negativity and self doubt? Ugh!

We all have those moments from time to time, when we fell a whole lotta less-than. But for a long time for me those moments were more than moments… those kind of thoughts drove my entire existence. 

I wasted a lot of time, a lot of years feeling unworthy of love and attention.  But at some point a couple of years ago I just sat myself down, gave myself a cup of tea, and had a nice long chat with Me. Wendy, honey, this isn’t a way to live your life. It’s the tail wagging the dog. If you believe you’re unworthy, you kind of become that way in your head. You stop taking care of yourself and your surroundings. It’s lonely. It’s not attractive.  IT’S NOT SEXY! Our time on this earth, as far as we know, is limited, and I wasn’t making the most of it. I spent a lot of time being hurt, angry, disappointed… and on top of that I had allowed my physical ailments define me. I was allowing pain and fatigue be my guides. Do you know what happens when you let pain and fatigue run the show? They get worse! Now mind you, I do have pain and fatigue, and sometimes they do put limitations on what I can and cannot do. But I decided to find tools to help me live outside of all that, and to push through when I can. I have a brain, I have a mind, I have a spirit, I have so so so much love to give! So do you know what I did? I got out of bed. I started searching for tools to that would help make Me better. I started a meditation practice. I started utilizing affirmations and reading the likes of Don Miguel Ruiz. I started eating better, trying to drink more water, and moving my body more. But the biggest and most effective device? I needed to be around people! I needed to seek out people who have made a difference for the better in my life. So I started making phone calls, sending text messages, writing emails, and making those connections that have been missing for me. I started filling those holes I felt so keenly in their absence. And it’s working! Depression has lifted, my pain levels are hugely diminished, I’ve lost weight, I can think better… and I now have a group of friends filling my life UP! I even let a couple of them into my house last! That, my friends, was an act of bravery, unbridle honesty and open transparency. That was huge! I give my friends a truck full of credit for giving my happy life back to me. I’m better, and getting ever better. I am finding purpose! My life has changed, and all I can do is stare and wonder! 

Well, that’s not ALL I can do. 

So, after acknowledging all that negativity running circles in my brain this morning, I rolled up my sleeves and said, Hey, you big fat hairy voice… GO! You have no place here. Be gone! You’re nothing but a tiny pimple, and we have tools in our arsenal to deal with the likes of you! 

Then I meditated, expressed some very sincere gratitude, and went on my merry way.

And do you know what? Big fat hairy voice left. 

Good riddance.

And then I went outside and released a butterfly!